Someone asked me this past week “How do you get a kidney?” and more specifically “How do you ASK for a kidney?” The answer is quite frankly - I don’t know….yet.

For the last year and a half I have been telling anyone that would listen that I need a kidney transplant. But that’s not really asking is it? I started this blog to educate not only my inner circle but help others know they are not alone. But most people didn’t bother to read along. I posted on Instagram that I was still looking for a donor. But people didn’t understand that they could be a donor or help spread the word.

You look great. Skinny but great. I would kill to be that skinny. Ughh you’re so lucky you can eat that. These are real things that people have said to me. Associating being thin with being healthy. Not associating me being thin with the fact that I have a ridiculous renal diet. Just be Vegan. Hard to be a vegan when you have to limit your intake of things like beans, potatoes, avocados, tomatoes and most dark leafy greens due to phosphorus and/or potassium levels. People make a lot of assumptions.

This past week I have learned a lot about myself and how maybe I went about looking for a donor the wrong way. People made assumptions about how I was doing based on what I was NOT saying. I made assumptions about people based on what they were not doing. Changing the conversation to be more direct has helped immensely. I need a kidney to save my life. I need everyone reading this to give a damn. You don’t have to be a donor for me but you could share my message. I have had thousands of shares and likes on Social Media in the past week. How many likes/shares does it take to find a donor? No Idea. But we are going to find out.

I have spoken to a few people directly who are considering being a living donor. I’ve told them how brave I think they are and that I will forever be grateful - just for the wiliness to get tested. They ask if I am excited? And honestly I have been down this road before. Anything can happen during the testing process. I am not excited but I am Optimistic. Hopeful. Determined.

Its hard to put the feeling into words. So let me try to paint a picture. I love the ocean. I love swimming. But the ocean can be rough sometimes. A few years ago, I was boogie boarding and was having so much fun I didn’t realize I had drifted away from my family. I got caught in a rip current. Swam parallel with the horizon. Boom. Another rip current. The waves were knocking me over. I was too far to yell back to shore. It would be a waste of energy. I swam further out to find a calm spot, turned around and waved my arms. I needed someone to see me. I needed to focus on my surroundings and figure out how to get back to shore. As I was waving my niece starting waving back. I immediately stopped waving and stared shaking my head and did the (now infamous) NO NO NO finger wave back. I saw her body language change. She ran to the shore and was waving down the lifeguard. I needed this assurance to know I wasn’t alone. I knew then that help was on the way - even though I took my eyes off her and just focused on my breathing and swimming back to shore. I swam and managed to catch two back to back waves that brought me back to safety. Whew.

That feeling of being scared out in the water, drifting away with no one noticing - is the same feeling I have waiting for a kidney transplant. Waiting for someone to see me and help bring me back.